Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk: The Straight Dope on Lance Armstrong

4:30 p.m. Cheated while playing a game of solitaire. Then lied to Julie about it. And then threatened to throw her off the solitaire team if she told anybody.

5:00 p.m. Posted all my Lance Armstrong paraphernalia on E-bay

5:32 p.m. Ended up bidding on tickets to the Inaugural Ball.

5:52 p.m. Learned that Lance “allegedly” took a drug with the street name: Edgar Allen Poe

5:55 p.m. Wondered what drug might have the street name Dr. Suess.

5: 58 p.m. Developed a list of interview questions approved by the Imagineering Company’s department of corrections:

1.   What do you think a good sentence for cheating is?

2.   Have you ever bullied a semi colon?

3.   Do you think you should capitalize crime in a sentence?

6: 00 p.m. Wondered if Lance will plagiarize his autobiography.

6:15 p.m. Tried turning Lance’s last name into a verb. Check this out: “If you can’t strong arm your friends to do drugs Armstrong them.” Yes, I think it works nicely.

6:28 p.m. Wondered if Lance will pursue a career in politics…seems like a natural.

6:30 p.m. Considered creating a new foundation called LieStrong—A non-profit for people who lie, cheat and steal for profit.

6: 45 p.m. I’m sorry I need to interrupt this entry to make my own admission. I doped myself before writing this blog. Which is why I am sprinting to the end of this sentence.

6:58 p.m. Need to confess that I didn’t do it alone…the letter e was also doping. It will be banned from the alphabet and have its title as vowel removed.

7:00 p.m. Oh wll,, I won anyway…and that’s all that mattrs.

Apocalyptic Advice from The Imagineering Company:

Our online fear mongers preparation guide to the Mayan Apocalypse

Eat a hardy breakfast. You don’t want the world to end on an empty stomach.

Set up automatic updates for all your social media platforms. Sources suggest that while we may be completely annihilated, cockroaches and Facebook will survive unscathed.

Make sure you don’t pay extra for overnight shipping AND make sure your shipments don’t require a signature.

Make sure your fallout shelter is lava proof.

Wear all natural fiber clothing that is wind proof, melt proof and well-ventilated. Please note, polyester is not considered appropriate EOW* attire. 

*End of the World

Create an apocalyptic playlist. Our Doomsday Groove recommendations include:

Premonition (Credence Clearwater Revival)

It's the End of the World as We Know it (R.E.M.)
In The End (Beatles)

Gimme Shelter (Rolling Stones)

Step on through to the other side (Doors)

Apocalypse Please (Muse)
Stuck in Lodi (Credence Clearwater Revival)

Ponder the following question: does this guide contain Mayan code that might provide the key to survival?  If it does, you have limited time to figure it out…so you best get cracking.  

And most importantly, don’t believe everything you read.

Bonus synonyms to describe the apocalypse on December 22, 2012—
balderdash, flim flam, garbage, pifflery, nonsense, feces, poppycock, crazy.

Live Super Delayed Blogging from my Desk on Thanksgiving

 

8:00 a.m. Woke up with phone in hand...realized I had been sleep Twittering again. 

8:01 a.m. Saw the McScarriest balloon at the Macy's Day Parade. 

8:13 a.m. Was unexpectedly consumed with a desire for fried foods. Texted my fried food therapist for help.

8:14 a.m. Played a game of Which Pilgrim Are You Most Like.

8:20 a.m. Miles Standish….duh.

9:00 a.m. Wondered if I ate faux turkey would I fall into a faux tryptophan coma?

9:05 a.m. Learned that other foods reported to have soporific powers include pork, soybeans and Parmesan. Who knew?

9:28 a.m. Wondered if the average turducken suffers from an identity crisis.

9:48 p.m. Surfed the web for Black Friday Thursday deals.

10:32 a.m. Started reading my Fiscal Cliff Notes. Fell off my chair.

10:58 a.m. Bought a pen that claims it has enough ink to write for 5 miles.

11:01 a.m. Wrote a treatment for an off color politically incorrect meta reality sit com set in East LA called Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

12:00 p.m. Completed the traditional Thanksgiving 10k food sprint. Tied for third.

12:15 p.m. Calculated the number of calories I consumed less the calories burned composing this blog post.

12:16 p.m. Decided I needed to write faster.

The Fall Back: Extra Hour Strategies

Here are some ideas for things to do during your extra hour…starting with setting your clocks back at 2:00 a.m.

1. Start your holiday shopping early at www.imagineeringstore.com

2. Practice voting. Tuesday is the big day and you don’t want to mess up.

3. Watch one episode of Sixty Minutes.

4. Call all of your Hawaiian and Arizona friends (not including the Navajo Indians) and remind them not to change their clocks.

5. Do all those things you have put off doing until you had time. Now you have it.

6. Write a bunch of thank you notes in the event that people do nice things for you.

7. Come up with ways to repeal the Uniform Time Act.

8. Try to figure out a way to store that extra hour so you can use it later on.

9. Do more shopping at www.imagineeringstore.com

Sweet Indulgence

So, you just finished a successful night of trick or treating. You’ve got a bag full of candy. It’s been organized, traded and reorganized. Now, it’s time to develop an eating strategy that allows you to consume your candy-coated stockpile without any guilt. Sound impossible? Well, the verbal nutritionists at The Imagineering Company (who trained at the Cliff Bar Institute) took the liberty of rethinking some of our favorite candies

Snickers  

This candy energy bar is filled with nuts which everyone knows is an important source of protein. And, if you choose the mini size, think of all the calories you're saving.

Candy Corn

OK this is a no brainer—it’s got a vegetable in its names—so it’s got to be good for you.

Almond Joy

Consider this the trifecta of healthy ingredients—coconut water, dark chocolate and almonds.

Dark Chocolate

It’s good for your heart. And it’s filled with flavanoids which rhymes with humanoids.

Jolly Ranchers

Very low in calories, no saturated fat and they take forever to finish. So, if you amortize the calories over time it is practically nothing.

Smarties

Again…the name says it all. And it has no grams of fat. So, put the dum dum down and eat the Smarties.

Laffy Taffy

No added fat, Vitamin C and kinesthesiologists have shown that laughter burns calories.

Pencils

OK, write this down. No nutritional value whatsoever.

The Costuming of Halloween

Halloween is only a few hours away. So, it’s your last chance to figure what to dress up as.  And no, you can’t wear your costume from last year. That’s just so last year.  So, what’s it going to be? Will you pay homage to the sadly overlooked mummy or not so popular hobglobin? Or will you opt for the trendier vampire or apocalyptic zombie? Well, if none of those ideas bring horror to your heart why not try one of these San Francisco inspired Halloween costumes?

                      

Microclimates. Halloween night might be sunny in the Mission, foggy in the Richmond and freezing near Ocean Beach. Spooky, right? So go ahead and pick your favorite meteorological atmospheric pressure zone and rain on. 

           Plastic Bags. Those evil devices created by Satan himself are not only environmentally unfriendly but very uncool.

           Long Lines. This scream inducing condition is rampant in SF…from restaurants and bakeries to barber shops and food trucks.

Meter Maids. You know those soulless ghouls making the ever elusive parking spot even more rare…and a lot more expensive.

Public nudity. Just remember to bring some seat covers in case you want to sit down. It’s the law.

          Rent. Yeah, it’s so blood curdling high here people are charging by the square inch rather than the square foot. 

          Hipsterism. Hipsters, loners and all other indie types please Instagram yourself to a new town. Stat. 

          Propositions. Especially the paranormal ones. 

          Medical marijuana. Or coffee. Or both.

Storm Jargon

Superstorm: A large storm that combines a hurricane, a Nor'easter and a full moon.

Frankenstorm: A superstorm that happens around Halloween.

Frankenstorm babies: What happens during a Frankenstorm when couples are stuck inside with no power.

Storm Diet: A not so healthy menu of junk food and liquor.

Ponding: Those giant pools of water that form in your backyard when it rains and rains and rains.

Hunker Down: A fun game to play during frankenstorms. The rules are as follows: watch the news and every time the news anchor says "hunker down" you drink up. By the time your electricity goes off, we promise you won’t even notice. Careful…too much hunkering down can lead to frankenstorm babies.