Apocalyptic Advice from The Imagineering Company:

Our online fear mongers preparation guide to the Mayan Apocalypse

Eat a hardy breakfast. You don’t want the world to end on an empty stomach.

Set up automatic updates for all your social media platforms. Sources suggest that while we may be completely annihilated, cockroaches and Facebook will survive unscathed.

Make sure you don’t pay extra for overnight shipping AND make sure your shipments don’t require a signature.

Make sure your fallout shelter is lava proof.

Wear all natural fiber clothing that is wind proof, melt proof and well-ventilated. Please note, polyester is not considered appropriate EOW* attire. 

*End of the World

Create an apocalyptic playlist. Our Doomsday Groove recommendations include:

Premonition (Credence Clearwater Revival)

It's the End of the World as We Know it (R.E.M.)
In The End (Beatles)

Gimme Shelter (Rolling Stones)

Step on through to the other side (Doors)

Apocalypse Please (Muse)
Stuck in Lodi (Credence Clearwater Revival)

Ponder the following question: does this guide contain Mayan code that might provide the key to survival?  If it does, you have limited time to figure it out…so you best get cracking.  

And most importantly, don’t believe everything you read.

Bonus synonyms to describe the apocalypse on December 22, 2012—
balderdash, flim flam, garbage, pifflery, nonsense, feces, poppycock, crazy.

Live Super Delayed Blogging from my Desk on Thanksgiving

 

8:00 a.m. Woke up with phone in hand...realized I had been sleep Twittering again. 

8:01 a.m. Saw the McScarriest balloon at the Macy's Day Parade. 

8:13 a.m. Was unexpectedly consumed with a desire for fried foods. Texted my fried food therapist for help.

8:14 a.m. Played a game of Which Pilgrim Are You Most Like.

8:20 a.m. Miles Standish….duh.

9:00 a.m. Wondered if I ate faux turkey would I fall into a faux tryptophan coma?

9:05 a.m. Learned that other foods reported to have soporific powers include pork, soybeans and Parmesan. Who knew?

9:28 a.m. Wondered if the average turducken suffers from an identity crisis.

9:48 p.m. Surfed the web for Black Friday Thursday deals.

10:32 a.m. Started reading my Fiscal Cliff Notes. Fell off my chair.

10:58 a.m. Bought a pen that claims it has enough ink to write for 5 miles.

11:01 a.m. Wrote a treatment for an off color politically incorrect meta reality sit com set in East LA called Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

12:00 p.m. Completed the traditional Thanksgiving 10k food sprint. Tied for third.

12:15 p.m. Calculated the number of calories I consumed less the calories burned composing this blog post.

12:16 p.m. Decided I needed to write faster.

The Fall Back: Extra Hour Strategies

Here are some ideas for things to do during your extra hour…starting with setting your clocks back at 2:00 a.m.

1. Start your holiday shopping early at www.imagineeringstore.com

2. Practice voting. Tuesday is the big day and you don’t want to mess up.

3. Watch one episode of Sixty Minutes.

4. Call all of your Hawaiian and Arizona friends (not including the Navajo Indians) and remind them not to change their clocks.

5. Do all those things you have put off doing until you had time. Now you have it.

6. Write a bunch of thank you notes in the event that people do nice things for you.

7. Come up with ways to repeal the Uniform Time Act.

8. Try to figure out a way to store that extra hour so you can use it later on.

9. Do more shopping at www.imagineeringstore.com

Sweet Indulgence

So, you just finished a successful night of trick or treating. You’ve got a bag full of candy. It’s been organized, traded and reorganized. Now, it’s time to develop an eating strategy that allows you to consume your candy-coated stockpile without any guilt. Sound impossible? Well, the verbal nutritionists at The Imagineering Company (who trained at the Cliff Bar Institute) took the liberty of rethinking some of our favorite candies

Snickers  

This candy energy bar is filled with nuts which everyone knows is an important source of protein. And, if you choose the mini size, think of all the calories you're saving.

Candy Corn

OK this is a no brainer—it’s got a vegetable in its names—so it’s got to be good for you.

Almond Joy

Consider this the trifecta of healthy ingredients—coconut water, dark chocolate and almonds.

Dark Chocolate

It’s good for your heart. And it’s filled with flavanoids which rhymes with humanoids.

Jolly Ranchers

Very low in calories, no saturated fat and they take forever to finish. So, if you amortize the calories over time it is practically nothing.

Smarties

Again…the name says it all. And it has no grams of fat. So, put the dum dum down and eat the Smarties.

Laffy Taffy

No added fat, Vitamin C and kinesthesiologists have shown that laughter burns calories.

Pencils

OK, write this down. No nutritional value whatsoever.

The Costuming of Halloween

Halloween is only a few hours away. So, it’s your last chance to figure what to dress up as.  And no, you can’t wear your costume from last year. That’s just so last year.  So, what’s it going to be? Will you pay homage to the sadly overlooked mummy or not so popular hobglobin? Or will you opt for the trendier vampire or apocalyptic zombie? Well, if none of those ideas bring horror to your heart why not try one of these San Francisco inspired Halloween costumes?

                      

Microclimates. Halloween night might be sunny in the Mission, foggy in the Richmond and freezing near Ocean Beach. Spooky, right? So go ahead and pick your favorite meteorological atmospheric pressure zone and rain on. 

           Plastic Bags. Those evil devices created by Satan himself are not only environmentally unfriendly but very uncool.

           Long Lines. This scream inducing condition is rampant in SF…from restaurants and bakeries to barber shops and food trucks.

Meter Maids. You know those soulless ghouls making the ever elusive parking spot even more rare…and a lot more expensive.

Public nudity. Just remember to bring some seat covers in case you want to sit down. It’s the law.

          Rent. Yeah, it’s so blood curdling high here people are charging by the square inch rather than the square foot. 

          Hipsterism. Hipsters, loners and all other indie types please Instagram yourself to a new town. Stat. 

          Propositions. Especially the paranormal ones. 

          Medical marijuana. Or coffee. Or both.

Storm Jargon

Superstorm: A large storm that combines a hurricane, a Nor'easter and a full moon.

Frankenstorm: A superstorm that happens around Halloween.

Frankenstorm babies: What happens during a Frankenstorm when couples are stuck inside with no power.

Storm Diet: A not so healthy menu of junk food and liquor.

Ponding: Those giant pools of water that form in your backyard when it rains and rains and rains.

Hunker Down: A fun game to play during frankenstorms. The rules are as follows: watch the news and every time the news anchor says "hunker down" you drink up. By the time your electricity goes off, we promise you won’t even notice. Careful…too much hunkering down can lead to frankenstorm babies.

Live Delayed Pre Debate Blogging from my Desk

4:01 p.m. Play a game of eenie meenie miney mo to decide which to watch first…the debate or the baseball game or Monday night football

4:05 p.m. Debate wins. Decide to do best two out of four.

4:15 p.m. Football wins.

4:18 p.m. Decide to do best three out of five.

4:20 p.m. Baseball wins. Finally.

4:22 p.m. Make a giant bowl of popcorn with a dusting of bee pollen, spirulina and ritalin. Healthy brain food.  

4:25 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Politician…for reference only.

4: 26 p.m. Tried to imagine what 90 minutes of confusing political rhetoric might feel like. Then I remembered last week’s debate.

4:27 p.m. Grab the Political Ice Pack for preventative reasons only.

4:28 p.m. Jot down a list of questions I hope the candidates are asked…translated them into French, Spanish, Italian and Chinese since this is the foreign focused debate.

4:35  p.m.  Wonder what the name of the new iPad mini will be. There’s just something about mini and pad that don’t belong together at least not in the electronics aisle.

4:36 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Politician 2 for informational purposes only.

4:37 p.m. Wonder which candidate  baseball team candidate will make an unforced error. 

4:40 p.m. Colored in a few pages of my Off Color Coloring Book: The Bush Years for entertainment reasons only.

4:48 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Foodie for promotional reasons only.

4:49 p.m. Decided to stop blogging since I was able to mention most of our political products in under an hour.

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk

VEEP Debate

6:00 p.m. Order pizza. A large sausage and pepperoni. Hold the pineapple.

6:01 p.m. Decide to follow only two political pundits tonite: @thefauxjoe and @p90xryan on Twitter.

6:05 p.m.  Print out official vice presidential drinking game rules. Decide to substitute espresso for beer so I can stay awake.

6:10 p.m. Mute sound so I can properly analyze all non-verbal communications. Let the eye rolling, shrugging and finger pointing begin.

6:15 p.m. Decide to turn up sound so I can hear the candidates spin seriously complex issues into simple-simon like parables.

6:16 p.m. Wonder if Paul Ryan is related to Meg Ryan. 

6:17 p.m. Wonder if Paul Ryan ever wondered the same thing.

6:20 p.m. Feeling depressed. Start binging on hyperlinks. Can’t decide if I should call a therapist or make an appointment at the genius bar.

6:22 p.m.  Decide to create a game called That’s Debatable. First topic: When an alarm rings is it going on or off?   

6:23 p.m. Immediately secure the url.

6:16 p.m.  Wonder if Big Bird will get mentioned…although this may be more of an Elmo crowd. Now, That’s Debatable.

7:00 p.m.  Accessed the fact checker app on my phone. Hope it works better than the truth meter.

7:30 p.m. Grabbed my political ice pack for relief.

7:40 p.m. Wondered if Dan Quayle was watching the debate or reading looking at his complimentary copy of Pat the Politician.

7:45 p.m.  With all due respect looked up the word malarkey.

7:46 p.m. Uh-oh seems like the candidates are suffering from a severe case of interuptitus. For which there is but one cure—the interuptitus swatter.

8:22 p.m. Oops..caught myself shamelessly plagiarizing myself again (see 7:30 p.m. entry). Apologized to myself.

8:30 p.m. Searched for the best after parties. Looks like Kid Rock is having another kegger.

9:00 p.m. Thankfully the debate is over.  Ryan finished in less time than Biden. Must be that marathon training. 

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk: Presidential Debate Number One

6:00 p.m. Open up multiple windows on my computer so I can start watching, blogging, tweeting, updating and refreshing. Wow, it feels like I’m inging all over myself.

6:05 p.m. Assemble etch a sketch for Romney style note taking.

6:10 p.m. Obama’s off to a slow, painful start. I guess it’s true that the camera adds an extra 10 seconds…right?

6:16 p.m. Romney’s looking good.

6:22 p.m. Oh no, I’m already bored. Is it the witless blather or the effete story telling? Are we going full metal wonk tonite?

6:23 p.m. Braced myself with a Red Bull and vodka shooter.

7:00 p.m. Decided to sign up for an e-learning class on the dark art of gerrymandering. Not sure if I have the maptitude for it.

7:30 p.m. Grabbed my political ice pack for relief (shameless product endorsement: 1 of 3)

7:40 p.m. Accessed the truth meter app on my phone …it’s either not working or needs a special setting for Republican politicians.

7:45 p.m. Started playing a presidential debate drinking game but sadly remain sober.

7:46 p.m. Wondered if Dan Quayle was watching.

8:00 p.m. Used my political ice pack again (shameless product endorsement: 2 of 3)

8:05 p.m. Wondered if there was something called political malpractice insurance. If so, both candidates could use some right about now.

8:06 p.m. Checked online betting sites to see how the President’s odds of winning re-election are. Ugh.

8:07 p.m. Betting that Big Bird is watching and hopping mad.

8:48 p.m. Obama should be looking up more. Romney should be smirking less. Lehrer should be in more control. Oh, I’m should-ing all over myself.

9:00 p.m. Finally, the debate is over. Let the big spin begin.

9:01 p.m. Put the political ice pack back in the freezer (shameless product endorsement 3 of 3)

Live Delayed Blogging From My Desk

 Apple Announcement

9:15 a.m. Searched inbox for my official Apple evite. Couldn’t find it…but did come across some old paperless bills I forgot to pay automatically.

9:30 a.m. Gathered all my Apple devices including iPhones, iPods, iPads and laptops to prepare them for the arrival of their newest siblings.

9:45 a.m.  Did a quick calculation on Gazelle and realized that I could sell them all and buy a new Kindle Fire.

9:58 a.m.  Helped celebrate the anniversary of  Lehman Brother's bankruptcy  by searching eBay for any left over toxic assets.

10:00 a.m. Almost passed out due to pre iPhone announcement jitters.

10:03 a.m. Calmed myself by checking to see when my pebbl watch will be available.

10:04 a.m. Tim Cook appears on stage…and begins talking.

10:06-10:30 The iPhone 5 is announced. It’s taller, thinner and lighter,  (all things I wish I was) and as the name so eloquently suggests it is 1 more than 4. (now, that’s innovation)

10:41a.m. Realize that the iPhone 5 looks very much like all the leaked images I have been seeing for the last few months.

10:42 a.m. Check Apple’s job postings to see if they are looking for a new Chief of Security.

11:05 a.m. Struggled to keep up with the now over saturated tweetwaves filled with uncurated, unedited thoughts.

11:06 a.m. Amazed at how many conversations happen in under 140 characters.

11:00 a.m. Dozed off and dreamed that Apple’s big announcement was that Siri will be running for President.

11:04 a.m. Woke up with a headache. 

11:06 a.m. Grabbed my political ice pack for immediate relief.

11:07 a.m. Went back to slogging blogging from my desk.

Live Delayed Blogging From My Desk

The Landing of the Mars Rover Curiosity

4:59 p.m. Put on a Best Buy NASA blue shirt and went to the Mars Rover Curiosity website.

5:14 p.m. Watched the 7 Minutes of Terror video and noted that it was only 5 minutes long.

5:19 p.m. Spent 20 minutes thinking about what happened to the missing 2 minutes. Got a headache.

5:59 p.m. Poured myself a tumblr of rd wine.

5:25 p.m. Calculated my age in Martian years (687 Earth Days=1 Martian Year) Damn, I’m still older than Julie.

6:00 p.m. Downloaded one too many Mission to Mars videos and was forced to clear my cache…which is French for money...right?

6:14 p.m. Stared at the word “habitability” so long that it caused my pupils to simultaneously dilate and cross. 

7:14 p.m. Searched for Mars Curiosity on Twitter but ended up on a Men are from Mars support group site.

7:42 p.m. Checked the time app on my new Kickstarter-funded hi-tech, wi-fi watch. Still have a little time before landing.

7:43 p.m. Got hungry. Wondered what grows locally in Mars.

7:44 p.m. Calculated how close the nearest Chick Fil A is to the office— driving straight the whole way.

 8:14 p.m. Decided to bro down and crush some code.*

(* I have no idea what that line means)

  

9:00 p.m. Pre-ordered a Berlitz language CD on how to speak Martian. Narrated by Gilbert Gottfried

9:45 p.m. Contemplated searching for intelligent life on Mars via Curiosity's Instagram feed.

10:15 p.m. Decided, instead, to create an algorithm that would determine which Olympic gold medal athletes will end up on Dances with the Stars.

10:30 p.m. Watched the landing while listening to music on Spotify and not posting it on Facebook.

10:31 p.m. Texted Julie: OMG WTF we should write a blog about this epic event.

10:45 p.m. Fell asleep and dreamed that Ronald Mcdonald and The Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel got married at a Chick Fil A. Woke up in a cold vegan sweat.

Live Blogging Coverage from my Desk

Cinco De Mayo

10:00 Imagineering Company morning meeting in Spanish Espanol.

10:02  Complimentary tequila lattes for all employees.

10:04 Julie stuffs the company piñata with candied Scrabble pieces.

10:07 Susan becomes mesmerized by the fact that the computer automatically puts that squiggly line above the n in piñata without asking it to.

10:10 Susan continues to type piñata over and over again.

12:00 Julie and Susan take turns verbally lashing the piñata until  contents burst out.

12:18 Susan introduces new product idea— Word Piñatas™.

12:20 Julie Pinstagrams it.

1:02 Susan fixates on her dislike of mayo. It threatens her ability to concentrate and temporarily derails plans for mass-producing Word Piñatas™.

1:05 Mayo free lunch break.

1:22 Julie checks out her social status on Klout.com

2:02 Susan tries to convince Julie to start a movement called Ocho de Mayo.

2:03 Julie responds with blank stare.

2:04 Susan acknowledges victory.

2:07 Phone rings. Who will answer it first?

Live Blogging Coverage from my Desk—May 1, 2012

Occupy Imagineering May Day Celebration Protest

10:00 Imagineering Company assembles outside of office.

10:02 Julie rallies Susan with inspiring speech.

10:03 Susan listens attentively but gets distracted as evidenced by this blog which she is writing simultaneously.

10:35 Julie leads company forum on slogan development for May Day Posters.  

11:35 Susan uses crowd sourcing app to raise funds for lunch.

12:00 Lunch break.  

12:35 Susan delivers an emotionally charged speech to Julie about the dangers of using too many overinflated, superannuated words…and anything in ALL CAPS.  

1:18 Julie corrects Susan’s spelling and syntax.

1:19 Susan is amazed by Julie’s ability to hear misspellings.

1:20 Susan gets sidetracked by the homonyms: syntax and sin tax.

2:00 Cops arrive on the scene and disemvowel the crowd. They impose capitalization punishment.

3:00 Susan and Julie take the Occupy Imagineering Pledge

promising to only use 99% of all words and casting off the other 1%.

3:02 Susan publically apologizes for 2:00 blog entry.

1:45  Solidarity march against the thesaurus in Union Square and some light window shopping.

3:30 Julie leads participants in chant: Write makes right.

3:59 Phone rings.

4:00 Conference call with client.

paraskavedekatriaphobia*

No one really knows when or why Friday the 13th became associated with bad luck. So,  we decided to try and find out. We started our research by deconstructing the words themselves. Here's what we learned. 

Fri: A homonym for fry that suggests lots of unhealthiness and general malady. Bad (and not in a good way)

Da: Russian for yes. Which is scary, dark and bursting with conspiracy. Bad (and not in a King of Pop way)

Y: A symbol of questioning which leads naturally to the inquisition. Bad (and not in a “sometimes y” way)

The: Shorthand for something longer or longhand for something shorter. Either way you’re screwed. Bad (and not in an existential way)

13: Prime, whole, but mostly odd. Bad (and not in a primo way)

th: A soft silvery-white tetravalent radioactive metallic element. Bad (and not in an elemental way)

Put this all together and you’ve got yourself a lot of bad. Which is not lucky at all. Therefore, you can expect bad luck on Friday the 13th. 

Good thing we’ve got the Friday 13^th lucky app which turns bad luck into good. Available at app stores starting tomorrow.

*paraskavedekatriaphobia (also known as friggatriskaidekaphobia). is the scientific terms for fear of Friday the 13th