Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day buy the Numbers…

The number of dollars spent on chocolate                                    13.5 billion

The number of dollars spent on jewelry                                             2.66 billion

The number of Necco conversation hearts sold                                   8 billion

The number of dollars spent on flowers                                              880 million

The number of times the word love is used*                                    800 billion

*This number was made up by our in house word statisticians. It is entirely untrue except for when it is not.

Papal Conspiracy Theories

Top theories on why the Pope is stepping down

1.   He wants to start a family

2.   He didn’t get along with his boss

3.   He converted

4.   There were no more growth opportunities

5.   He got a better job offer

6.   Season 4 of Downton Abby

7.   His upcoming role in CSI: Vatican City. Check Hulu for listings.

Lent vs. Lint

Things to give up for Lent

   Religion

   Things to give up for Lint

    Pockets

    

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk: Second Presidential Inauguration

8:45 a.m. Got up early to prepare for the swearing in of Obama.

8:46 a.m. Wondered which swear words will be used.

8:49 a.m. My iPhone is predicting a patriotic rainstorm

10:42 a.m. Received Obama's first tweet of the day:

10:45  a.m. The POTUS and THE FLOTUS  head to the capital.

10:48 a.m. Learned that the Supremes will be performing along with Beyonce, James Taylor and more.

 11:42 a.m. Spotted politically inspired, gourmet graffiti art...or is it the tomb of the unknown barista?

11:51a.m. Holy sh*t, Obama is about to be sworn in

11:53 a.m.  Celebrated with patriotic sand art (soon to be available in my etsy store)

12:00 p.m. Made a list of all the Presidential balls.

12:01 p.m. Snickered when I re-read the words: Presidential Balls.

12:02 p.m. Decided it was time to stop blogging

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk: The Straight Dope on Lance Armstrong

4:30 p.m. Cheated while playing a game of solitaire. Then lied to Julie about it. And then threatened to throw her off the solitaire team if she told anybody.

5:00 p.m. Posted all my Lance Armstrong paraphernalia on E-bay

5:32 p.m. Ended up bidding on tickets to the Inaugural Ball.

5:52 p.m. Learned that Lance “allegedly” took a drug with the street name: Edgar Allen Poe

5:55 p.m. Wondered what drug might have the street name Dr. Suess.

5: 58 p.m. Developed a list of interview questions approved by the Imagineering Company’s department of corrections:

1.   What do you think a good sentence for cheating is?

2.   Have you ever bullied a semi colon?

3.   Do you think you should capitalize crime in a sentence?

6: 00 p.m. Wondered if Lance will plagiarize his autobiography.

6:15 p.m. Tried turning Lance’s last name into a verb. Check this out: “If you can’t strong arm your friends to do drugs Armstrong them.” Yes, I think it works nicely.

6:28 p.m. Wondered if Lance will pursue a career in politics…seems like a natural.

6:30 p.m. Considered creating a new foundation called LieStrong—A non-profit for people who lie, cheat and steal for profit.

6: 45 p.m. I’m sorry I need to interrupt this entry to make my own admission. I doped myself before writing this blog. Which is why I am sprinting to the end of this sentence.

6:58 p.m. Need to confess that I didn’t do it alone…the letter e was also doping. It will be banned from the alphabet and have its title as vowel removed.

7:00 p.m. Oh wll,, I won anyway…and that’s all that mattrs.

Apocalyptic Advice from The Imagineering Company:

Our online fear mongers preparation guide to the Mayan Apocalypse

Eat a hardy breakfast. You don’t want the world to end on an empty stomach.

Set up automatic updates for all your social media platforms. Sources suggest that while we may be completely annihilated, cockroaches and Facebook will survive unscathed.

Make sure you don’t pay extra for overnight shipping AND make sure your shipments don’t require a signature.

Make sure your fallout shelter is lava proof.

Wear all natural fiber clothing that is wind proof, melt proof and well-ventilated. Please note, polyester is not considered appropriate EOW* attire. 

*End of the World

Create an apocalyptic playlist. Our Doomsday Groove recommendations include:

Premonition (Credence Clearwater Revival)

It's the End of the World as We Know it (R.E.M.)
In The End (Beatles)

Gimme Shelter (Rolling Stones)

Step on through to the other side (Doors)

Apocalypse Please (Muse)
Stuck in Lodi (Credence Clearwater Revival)

Ponder the following question: does this guide contain Mayan code that might provide the key to survival?  If it does, you have limited time to figure it out…so you best get cracking.  

And most importantly, don’t believe everything you read.

Bonus synonyms to describe the apocalypse on December 22, 2012—
balderdash, flim flam, garbage, pifflery, nonsense, feces, poppycock, crazy.

Live Super Delayed Blogging from my Desk on Thanksgiving

 

8:00 a.m. Woke up with phone in hand...realized I had been sleep Twittering again. 

8:01 a.m. Saw the McScarriest balloon at the Macy's Day Parade. 

8:13 a.m. Was unexpectedly consumed with a desire for fried foods. Texted my fried food therapist for help.

8:14 a.m. Played a game of Which Pilgrim Are You Most Like.

8:20 a.m. Miles Standish….duh.

9:00 a.m. Wondered if I ate faux turkey would I fall into a faux tryptophan coma?

9:05 a.m. Learned that other foods reported to have soporific powers include pork, soybeans and Parmesan. Who knew?

9:28 a.m. Wondered if the average turducken suffers from an identity crisis.

9:48 p.m. Surfed the web for Black Friday Thursday deals.

10:32 a.m. Started reading my Fiscal Cliff Notes. Fell off my chair.

10:58 a.m. Bought a pen that claims it has enough ink to write for 5 miles.

11:01 a.m. Wrote a treatment for an off color politically incorrect meta reality sit com set in East LA called Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

12:00 p.m. Completed the traditional Thanksgiving 10k food sprint. Tied for third.

12:15 p.m. Calculated the number of calories I consumed less the calories burned composing this blog post.

12:16 p.m. Decided I needed to write faster.