The Costuming of Halloween

Halloween is only a few hours away. So, it’s your last chance to figure what to dress up as.  And no, you can’t wear your costume from last year. That’s just so last year.  So, what’s it going to be? Will you pay homage to the sadly overlooked mummy or not so popular hobglobin? Or will you opt for the trendier vampire or apocalyptic zombie? Well, if none of those ideas bring horror to your heart why not try one of these San Francisco inspired Halloween costumes?

                      

Microclimates. Halloween night might be sunny in the Mission, foggy in the Richmond and freezing near Ocean Beach. Spooky, right? So go ahead and pick your favorite meteorological atmospheric pressure zone and rain on. 

           Plastic Bags. Those evil devices created by Satan himself are not only environmentally unfriendly but very uncool.

           Long Lines. This scream inducing condition is rampant in SF…from restaurants and bakeries to barber shops and food trucks.

Meter Maids. You know those soulless ghouls making the ever elusive parking spot even more rare…and a lot more expensive.

Public nudity. Just remember to bring some seat covers in case you want to sit down. It’s the law.

          Rent. Yeah, it’s so blood curdling high here people are charging by the square inch rather than the square foot. 

          Hipsterism. Hipsters, loners and all other indie types please Instagram yourself to a new town. Stat. 

          Propositions. Especially the paranormal ones. 

          Medical marijuana. Or coffee. Or both.

Storm Jargon

Superstorm: A large storm that combines a hurricane, a Nor'easter and a full moon.

Frankenstorm: A superstorm that happens around Halloween.

Frankenstorm babies: What happens during a Frankenstorm when couples are stuck inside with no power.

Storm Diet: A not so healthy menu of junk food and liquor.

Ponding: Those giant pools of water that form in your backyard when it rains and rains and rains.

Hunker Down: A fun game to play during frankenstorms. The rules are as follows: watch the news and every time the news anchor says "hunker down" you drink up. By the time your electricity goes off, we promise you won’t even notice. Careful…too much hunkering down can lead to frankenstorm babies.

Live Delayed Pre Debate Blogging from my Desk

4:01 p.m. Play a game of eenie meenie miney mo to decide which to watch first…the debate or the baseball game or Monday night football

4:05 p.m. Debate wins. Decide to do best two out of four.

4:15 p.m. Football wins.

4:18 p.m. Decide to do best three out of five.

4:20 p.m. Baseball wins. Finally.

4:22 p.m. Make a giant bowl of popcorn with a dusting of bee pollen, spirulina and ritalin. Healthy brain food.  

4:25 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Politician…for reference only.

4: 26 p.m. Tried to imagine what 90 minutes of confusing political rhetoric might feel like. Then I remembered last week’s debate.

4:27 p.m. Grab the Political Ice Pack for preventative reasons only.

4:28 p.m. Jot down a list of questions I hope the candidates are asked…translated them into French, Spanish, Italian and Chinese since this is the foreign focused debate.

4:35  p.m.  Wonder what the name of the new iPad mini will be. There’s just something about mini and pad that don’t belong together at least not in the electronics aisle.

4:36 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Politician 2 for informational purposes only.

4:37 p.m. Wonder which candidate  baseball team candidate will make an unforced error. 

4:40 p.m. Colored in a few pages of my Off Color Coloring Book: The Bush Years for entertainment reasons only.

4:48 p.m. Pick up a copy of Pat the Foodie for promotional reasons only.

4:49 p.m. Decided to stop blogging since I was able to mention most of our political products in under an hour.

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk

VEEP Debate

6:00 p.m. Order pizza. A large sausage and pepperoni. Hold the pineapple.

6:01 p.m. Decide to follow only two political pundits tonite: @thefauxjoe and @p90xryan on Twitter.

6:05 p.m.  Print out official vice presidential drinking game rules. Decide to substitute espresso for beer so I can stay awake.

6:10 p.m. Mute sound so I can properly analyze all non-verbal communications. Let the eye rolling, shrugging and finger pointing begin.

6:15 p.m. Decide to turn up sound so I can hear the candidates spin seriously complex issues into simple-simon like parables.

6:16 p.m. Wonder if Paul Ryan is related to Meg Ryan. 

6:17 p.m. Wonder if Paul Ryan ever wondered the same thing.

6:20 p.m. Feeling depressed. Start binging on hyperlinks. Can’t decide if I should call a therapist or make an appointment at the genius bar.

6:22 p.m.  Decide to create a game called That’s Debatable. First topic: When an alarm rings is it going on or off?   

6:23 p.m. Immediately secure the url.

6:16 p.m.  Wonder if Big Bird will get mentioned…although this may be more of an Elmo crowd. Now, That’s Debatable.

7:00 p.m.  Accessed the fact checker app on my phone. Hope it works better than the truth meter.

7:30 p.m. Grabbed my political ice pack for relief.

7:40 p.m. Wondered if Dan Quayle was watching the debate or reading looking at his complimentary copy of Pat the Politician.

7:45 p.m.  With all due respect looked up the word malarkey.

7:46 p.m. Uh-oh seems like the candidates are suffering from a severe case of interuptitus. For which there is but one cure—the interuptitus swatter.

8:22 p.m. Oops..caught myself shamelessly plagiarizing myself again (see 7:30 p.m. entry). Apologized to myself.

8:30 p.m. Searched for the best after parties. Looks like Kid Rock is having another kegger.

9:00 p.m. Thankfully the debate is over.  Ryan finished in less time than Biden. Must be that marathon training. 

Live Delayed Blogging from my Desk: Presidential Debate Number One

6:00 p.m. Open up multiple windows on my computer so I can start watching, blogging, tweeting, updating and refreshing. Wow, it feels like I’m inging all over myself.

6:05 p.m. Assemble etch a sketch for Romney style note taking.

6:10 p.m. Obama’s off to a slow, painful start. I guess it’s true that the camera adds an extra 10 seconds…right?

6:16 p.m. Romney’s looking good.

6:22 p.m. Oh no, I’m already bored. Is it the witless blather or the effete story telling? Are we going full metal wonk tonite?

6:23 p.m. Braced myself with a Red Bull and vodka shooter.

7:00 p.m. Decided to sign up for an e-learning class on the dark art of gerrymandering. Not sure if I have the maptitude for it.

7:30 p.m. Grabbed my political ice pack for relief (shameless product endorsement: 1 of 3)

7:40 p.m. Accessed the truth meter app on my phone …it’s either not working or needs a special setting for Republican politicians.

7:45 p.m. Started playing a presidential debate drinking game but sadly remain sober.

7:46 p.m. Wondered if Dan Quayle was watching.

8:00 p.m. Used my political ice pack again (shameless product endorsement: 2 of 3)

8:05 p.m. Wondered if there was something called political malpractice insurance. If so, both candidates could use some right about now.

8:06 p.m. Checked online betting sites to see how the President’s odds of winning re-election are. Ugh.

8:07 p.m. Betting that Big Bird is watching and hopping mad.

8:48 p.m. Obama should be looking up more. Romney should be smirking less. Lehrer should be in more control. Oh, I’m should-ing all over myself.

9:00 p.m. Finally, the debate is over. Let the big spin begin.

9:01 p.m. Put the political ice pack back in the freezer (shameless product endorsement 3 of 3)